


to connect ... or grow further apart?

by Hydra_Trash_Gal



Series: Mission: Becoming Winter [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Brief Mention of Suicide, Canon-Typical Violence, Dehumanization, Feelings, Hurt No Comfort, Mentions of Violence, Other, Past Stucky, Upset Steve, asset!bucky, mentions of abuse, mentions of torture, sad steeb, winteriron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 07:26:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17178515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hydra_Trash_Gal/pseuds/Hydra_Trash_Gal
Summary: a movie night is good for team bonding — if the team was made up of the Soldier and Tonyorthe one where the asset begins to think it may be human and steeb is upset





	to connect ... or grow further apart?

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know your thoughts! Not beta-read so all errors are mine

After twenty minutes of playful bickering and the remote passing hands almost a dozen times, Natasha wrestled it free of Clint and selected a film, tucking it beneath her and well out of reach of anyone who wanted to keep their hands.

Steve was just proud he'd managed to get Bucky to join them even though he refused to sit on the L-shaped couch (or any furniture: 'it's for people, Steve' he said flatly, 'you wouldn't prop your gun up on the sofa'). Sure, Steve's entire evening was reduced to how horrible that was and the fact that Bucky truly believed it but he kept face. Bucky sat against the wall, still and alert with all eyes on any entrance. 

Steve's eyes strayed to him continuously. Movies nowadays were so different from what he and Bucky knew — or what Steve thought Bucky knew. Natasha nudged him none to kindly with the heel of her boot digging into his thigh whenever she noticed him staring too long. His face felt hot. "It's my favorite part," she said in a tone that was so very alive but her eyes were detached. 

If she could pretend to be present, couldn't Bucky? Or maybe she wasn't pretending and Steve couldn't read her any better than he could his old best friend. Clint mowed his way through the massive bowl of popcorn and Steve frowned when he reached for some and his fingers jostled greasy kernels that hadn't been popped. "Sorry," Clint gave him a crooked grin, "want me to make some more?"

Steve wasn't even hungry. He just thought if he kept busy maybe he would stop watching Bucky. He was still sitting ramrod straight, eyes fixed on a middle distance completely checked out. Steve hoped to see something on his face but it was blank; he may as well still have that horrible muzzle on his face. The hair was growing on him however. Now he had a 'regular hygiene maintance schedule' that he made all on his own it no longer seemed unkempt. It actually looked nice. It gave Bucky a softer look, something Steve could really appreciate after everything — 

A heel to the inside of his thigh knocked away his breath for a moment. Natasha flicked a strand of hair, jet black today, over her ear and smiled without any kindness. Steve felt a bit targeted. He wasn't doing anything wrong by trying to make sure Bucky was okay. He was so clearly not okay and it was his responsibility to make him better. "Watch the movie Steve," she said as if sensing his reproach. 

Clint glanced at him from where he was perched at the end of the couch. Perched was the only word for it with one long leg folded beneath him body balanced on the arm. Beside him Bruce has been his usual quiet self, seemingly engrossed in the film but he glanced at Steve as well. Steve had no idea what the movie was about. Maybe he had been watching Bucky too much. 

His face felt hot as he turned his head forward. Two characters were in a hotel room and the soft lighting and soft spoken words made it obvious that it was going to be one of those types of scenes. Clint barked out a laugh as the woman was reduced to a lacy brassiere. Steve's face was hot and he looked elsewhere. "Oh no Cap — can you handle such...depravity?" He asked playfully.

Steve could laugh about it more often than not but they didn't understand how different things were now than they were. They could joke and call him a prude and a fossil but he had owned a set of cards with some dames on them back in the army. Those had once been considered racy but this — if the Commandos could have seen this they wouldn't have believed their eyes. He had the strange urge to look and see how Bucky was reacting but then he remembered the files that Natasha had refused to let him see. 'You know what's in them' she had said coldly 'You don't need to read about it'. 

Steve had heaved up what little remained in his stomach off after hearing about the wipes, off to the side of the abandoned building. What if it was triggering? Why would Natasha play it? Steve couldn't help but glance over, fully aware Bucky could have been in a fetal position or crying or...completely unaffected and still staring at the same spot. The heel dug into the same tender spot and Steve gave her a heavy look. "It's PG-13," she said as if Steve had questioned it out loud. Maybe he was too easy to read. Or perhaps Natasha could read minds. "I think we're all mature enough to handle a little vaguely implied sex."

The way the actor was kissing down her bare stomach was not vague. And the way the sheet draped over his head between her legs was not implied. When the scene switched over to the next day — or maybe a few months later, the woman now had a rounded stomach and he actor had ditched the colorful jeans that were far too tight for slacks and a tie — Steve could have sighed in relief. 

He got four more heels digging into him before he shifted out of reach and Natasha began flicking the kernels at him instead. Steve wasn't sure who he was most mad at: Natasha for being so damn relentless or himself for, also, being so damn relentless. Why couldn't he stop looking for Bucky? At Bucky! Steve's heart hammered because the truth of the mistake always caught him off guard. It wasn't Bucky; it was the Asset but inside it there was a man that Steve knew and that Steve loved. He would come out eventually but he just needed to let it happen. 

Proverbs said 'all things come to those who wait' and Steve believed that with his entire heart.

He hadn't noticed that his eyes had drifted over until Bucky suddenly stood. The arm's plates clinked as it realigned and it startled Clint enough that he flopped off the edge of the sofa. Bruce jumped a bit and made a grab for Clint but grasped empty air. "I'm sorry," Bruce leaned over to help him while Clint groaned 'aww floor no'. 

Natasha straightened up as well, watching Bucky just as closely as Steve had. "Tony Stark," he stated, like it was the answer to a question. 

Steve opened his mouth to ask what was wrong when Stark stepped into the room. His goatee was freshly trimmed and despite the rumpled clothes that suggested he was on a project bender down in his lab, he seemed well put together. He didn't shuffle through in a half-conscious state on a one way track to caffeine. "Well, thanks for the invite gang," he said in his usual snarky manner.

"You had Jarvis put you on a Do-Not-Disturb mode," Bruce pointed out.

"And I texted you." Natasha added.

Tony pulled out his StarkPhone and sniffed, recovering effortlessly. "So you did. Well, I was busy anyhow. Thank you for thinking of me but I must decline because one, it has already happened and two, I didn't want to join anyway." Tony held his hands out in front of him in a helplessly gesture. "It's such a tough one gang! Maybe next time."

Steve wanted to deflate his ego a bit sometimes. He would be so much more tolerable to be around. Tony turned that shit eating grin around the room before it settled on Bucky. "Hey there Robocop."

"I require your assistance Tony Stark." Bucky glanced around the space around Tony — looking for Jarvis. Steve was certain Bucky was under the impression he was an invisible man. "Is Tony Stark to be disturbed?"

"Tony Stark is always disturbed after speaking with you," Tony said back with a smirk. 

"Tony." Steve's voice was sharp but he couldn't help it. Bucky didn't need to be mocked. 

"Relax Capsicle," Tony rolled his eyes. "How can I be of assistance to you, your Royal cyberneticness?" 

"I require an arm wrap." Bucky informed him and Steve looked anxiously at his metal arm. 

It was hard for him to see it as part of Bucky with that bright red star on it. It was Hydra's design and that made it a natural repellent for Steve it seemed. But still, he was supposed to be looking out for Bucky and that meant the arm as well. "Wrap? Are the plates coming loose?" Tony leaned toward the arm but Bucky moved it out of sight. "We talked about this Barnes. To work on the arm, I need to see the arm. Service agreement? All that jazz."

Service agreement? Steve made a mental note to ask about it. "I require an arm wrap, not my arm." 

Tony leveled them a blank look and they couldn't do anything but shrug. Steve didn't know either. Maybe he was confused?

"Like the film." The metal finger extended to the screen where — Steve felt like he'd been punched in the solar plexus. 

He was winded and Jesus Christ did it hurt more than it was supposed to. A motherfucking hug. 

Bucky wanted a hug, the first one since he'd been back. But he wanted it from Tony. Steve didn't move even though he wanted to hit Tony until the cocky face of his was mush. He quickly shook the thought away: Tony was his friend. He was being ridiculous. "You want one of those from me?" Tony sounded as horrified as Steve felt. The rest of them were just an unplanned audience at this point. "Why?"

Bucky was quiet a moment. "Steve Rogers says...'you are a person Buck, like me or Nat or Clint or everyone else on the team'." Bucky said as if it made his proclamation make perfect sense. "I have been learning what people do. They seek companionship and they communicate in order to create social relationships and build governmental structures to protect their settlements. They enjoy affection. Steve Rogers says I am a person so I too must enjoy affection. I require an arm wrap so I can see if I am in fact a person."

Steve wanted to grab Bucky and hug him. God did he want to. He had been aching to pull Bucky into his arms since he got him back but he waited until Bucky was ready. He never imagined that Bucky would choose another to have the moment with. He felt gutted and betrayed all at once and so terribly guilty for it. 

"Jesus." Tony scrubbed a hand over his face looking uncomfortable. "First the gum now this? If you must — "

Bucky's chest bumped Tony's face, the look of surprise turning into a scowl of annoyance. "God you're pushy aren't you? The Winter Soldier asking for a hug. This deserves its own goddamn display at the Smithsonian."

With the awkwardness only a man with a slew of emotional issues could manage (all mostly due to the man he was currently hugging), Tony wrapped his arms around Bucky who was frozen as if waiting for pain. It was strange to see Tony with his arms circled loosely around him. "Harder." Bucky demanded before his voice lost all authority and it went to a plea. "Please?"

Tony groaned but complied. 

Steve wished he could be put back on ice. At least then he would be properly punished for the level of jealous and anger making his blood boil. He hands were clenched so tightly on the couch he could feel his fingernails cutting through the threads. He tried to tell himself to let go but he couldn't. He wanted to hit something. 

He wanted to hit Tony. 

Tony stepped back from Bucky, face red and face twisted. "Satisfied?" 

"Steve Rogers may be correct," there was hint of pleasure in his voice and it just cut deeper. "I enjoy your affection."

Tony sputtered out something that Steve didn't catch because the blood was roaring too loudly in his ears. "Steve Rogers, am I dismissed for my evening hygiene maintance?" 

"Why don't you ask Tony since he's so damn important to you?" 

Steve stood up in a rush and he saw the way Bucky flinched and it hurt but he didn't trust himself not to do or say something foolish. Clumps of the couch foam fell out as he stood, a testimate to how deeply he'd dug in. 

Steve left the Tower and began to run thanking God for the rain. The droplets made his tears a little less obvious while sound of the torrential downpour smacking the concrete washed away the sound of his ragged sobs. He was embarrassed and outed to his friends as a jealous, selfish person who would now decide not bother with him anymore. Then he'd have no one at all in a world he did not understand. 

But above all else he was heartbroken. That was the gist of it. The empty spot his chest was killing him slowly and the one thing that life had allowed back had turned toward another. He stopped on the bridge and wondered for a horrible moment if his Super Soldier body would survive the fall. With his luck, it would. 

"Don't be stupid," 

He looked up sharply, body falling into a defensive pose as the slim figure came closer. Her voice was badly distorted by the rain but her perfume, faint and so perfectly implacable was familiar. "I-I wasn't..." his teeth were chattering, he was soaked and tired. "I'm sorry."

Natasha came closer and wrapped her arms around him. "It's okay Steve. It's okay to be angry or sad or jealous or even to want to take a flying leap. Just don't actually do it."

Steve managed to chuckle but felt horribly exposed. "He's not my Bucky."

"No. He's learning to be a person but that doesn't mean he's learning to be your person Steve." Natasha squeezed his hand. "Give it time."


End file.
